Terrible Waiter

Written August 2009

Tab Eb/F (C, capo 3 or 5)

Comments 7 comments


I was a terrible waiter, every shift, sooner or later
I would drop something, or spill something,
or forget something like drinks (or menus),
there’s really a lot to remember, diet or plain, that table in the corner,
the dressing on the side or the dressing on the salad,
was the dressing on the side salad.. ranch?
+++ the pay was OK, it was based on tips
+++ (and $1.35/hour that mostly went for taxes..)
+++ but the best tip I got was when a co-worker thought
+++ that I might be better suited for a different job?
+++ yeah, I was the guy the boss would’ve fired
+++ if he could’ve found a monkey who would take my place,
+++ ’cause I was a terrible waiter, I don’t do that any more

I was funny and friendly, but you’d better be both
if you drop 2 bowls of chili on the floor,
and they break, and you have to mop it up,
and the cook has to go make more (oops..)
yeah, I was clever and witty, but nobody cares if you keep forgetting
that they asked you for salt, or a straw, or a napkin,
or ketchup 20 minutes ago (sorry..)
+++ in baseball, 30% success is considered great
+++ (and 40% is legendary!)
+++ but if you bring people the right food 90% of the time,
+++ as a server you’re 2nd-rate (go figure)
+++ that’s why I was the guy the boss would’ve fired
+++ if a monkey with experience had ever applied,
+++ ‘cause, I was a terrible waiter, I don’t work there any more…

Now my friend Brent is a ninja-skills waiter, (Food Service Professional)
he could satisfy even Darth Vader,
if Darth Vader sat down in Brent’s section,
the Dark Lord would leave a big tip (dude is that good!)
but if I had to wait on Darth Vader,
I’d prob’ly bring the wrong thing and he’d pull his light saber,
‘cause I was a terrible waiter, I don’t do that any more,
+++ remember that table in the corner?
+++ well, I didn’t either, not until they left to order dinner somewhere else, (true story)
‘cause, I was a terrible waiter, I don’t do that any more,
I don’t do that.. any more…

My entry in the 2009 Just This Guy song contest, fulfilling the following stipulations:
—write about your worst job
—use the words: work, boss, co-worker, pay
—bonus points (once again!) for the word “monkey”

7 comments on “Terrible Waiter”

  1. Joyce

    I LOVE IT !!

  2. Brad

    thanks, Joyce!!
    I’ll let y’all know how I do…

  3. Sherrie

    This is great! Good luck with the contest, you have my vote! 🙂

  4. Daryl

    Nice. This one should be good for a few extra gigs! I’m sure the wait staff all love it, and it might even encourage irrational tipping.

  5. Kris

    Classic, funny, great Brad Yoder. This is really—-yup.

  6. Brad

    Good point, folks–I should market this song to waiters everywhere? :]
    It did come in first, by the way, out of 17 songs, earning me $200, plus some other fun random prizes.

  7. Andrew

    Ha! Nice one, Brad.


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